WIENERPOCALYPSE
CURRENT DIRECTIVES
Residents are advised to read all applicable guidance. This is not an all-clear.
DIRECTIVE 01
DO NOT APPROACH THE DACHSHUNDS.
Loose dachshunds may appear stationary, friendly or unusually innocent. This does not indicate that the incident has concluded.
DIRECTIVE 02SECURE ALL FOOD.
Food remains the most consistent predictor of unexpected herd movement.
DIRECTIVE 03KEEP GATES CLOSED.
Do not open a gate to investigate barking, scratching, suspicious silence or Kevin.
DIRECTIVE 04DO NOT FEED THE STAMPEDE.
Feeding one dachshund may constitute feeding all dachshunds.
DIRECTIVE 05REPORT UNUSUAL DACHSHUND ACTIVITY.
Examples include coordinated movement and dogs entering infrastructure.
DIRECTIVE 06DO NOT LEAVE SAUSAGES UNATTENDED.
This directive applies regardless of whether dachshunds are currently visible.